The Knowledge of the New Locals - Carlos Da Silva

A queer anthropology on migration and gender identity

Written by Kasun Gunawardana

CARLOS DA SILVA

Image : Carlos Da silva, photographed by Antonella Fuentes

Somewhere in Surubim, a small city, in the Northwest region of Brazil, a region known for its’ ‘Machismo’ culture, lived Little Carlos feeling the complete opposite to his traditions that felt masculine. Raised by his mother, his father was a truck driver and as you would imagine, was mostly away. 

Carlos’s story I am sharing with you is just a glimpse into the grand depth of his life where he defied the norm, the borders and gravity. A story of an individual who flew across the world to find a place that accepted him, a place where he could express himself without prejudice, honour his body and share his passion for movement with the world around him.

A story of a queer individual lived beyond the patriarchy. 

In life, for some of us, there are the homes that made you realise who you are, and then there is the one you build to become who you are. And it takes traditions, culture, values to keep the bridge between those two homelands lit through the nights to come. 

Indigenous people of Brazil lived in small communities where care for one another was in the core of their values. All children belonged to the tribe. Needing a sense of community to belong to was a natural calling for Carlos and an evident cultural practice too. 

During migration, individuals often lose these grounding traditions such as coming together for meals, ceremonies and rituals. Especially arriving in a new country. Most of us opt for shared accommodation as arriving in Europe you realise the currency exchange makes a palpable difference to your life. It takes time and patience to find a sense of belonging and home. And through it all what we have to make of ourselves is the identity we brought with us and the knowledge. 

“My father wasn't at home, maybe for a month at a time. He would be home for, say maybe four days maximum and therefore my mother assumed the responsibility of educating me…” said Carlos. 

Carlos remembers when he overheard an upsetting conversation between his parents, regarding his sexuality. 

“It was already difficult for me because I had already once heard my father say, if I turn gay, it is the fault of my mother for educating me wrongfully. But I now understand that my mother was also burdened by the system…Culture was very sexist at the time, the mindset was highly conservative, and on top of that my family had strong religious beliefs. In Brazil, people are generally warmer, which can mean that boundaries are more easily crossed (for better or worse)...” said Carlos.

Herding queer children towards heteronormative choices is a common experience had by many and it is quite frankly saying, ‘conversion’ in my opinion. It violates our personal space and boundaries when we are jabbed with constructs while we are aware in our bodies that those socalled norms do not resonate with us. It is a burden on our nervous system to live misaligned, studies have proven it. So how hard is it to comprehend? And most often we end up living in each phase of our lives as versions that feel unfamiliar to us. 

As he grew up, Carlos became self-conscious of his gestures as his mother, who he now sees as a victim of the times, was critical about his expressions. 

“I didn’t understand why my soft movements were forbidden somehow. And now when I am conscious about my process I allow myself to go back in time and heal…” said Carlos. 

Have you ever had to live as someone else? But with your name and your parents, and your face but you are not there. Movement is instinctive to human nature and I think most of us learn to move and express ourselves as we feel instinctively till an external influence begins to monitor us. As a baby movement was important because of biological realities, but then why does it get policed as we grow up? 

Image : Carlos Da silva, photographed by Antonella Fuentes

For a long time, Carlos was suppressing his desire to move his body. He remembers how he loved to dance as a child, as if that’s all he ever wanted. At his home especially, he remembers dancing, wearing his mother’s high heels. And the first time he wore her stockings, defined Carlo’s passion for movement and dance forever. The ordinary slipperiness of the stockings was a new discovery for Little Carlos. It suddenly gave him the ability to move as he desired and glide through the floors. 

And now the ‘Carlos’ we know embraces a more non-binary fashion identity and we witnessed it during the visual production of his photo series. Carlos did not just look beautiful in the ensemble, he embodied them. A reality Carlos once didn’t think was possible. And whilst in Brazil he often had to be mindful of what he would choose to wear for his safety. 

Queer bodies are agile and transcendent, and to me that feels more like natures cause if you think about it. Design, creativity, trends, ideas are work similar. They become, they grow and adapt and they evolve. It is as our entire evolution happens through moving. Stagnation is not food for the brain. 

He continues to talk about his surroundings, that it was common for boys to befriend the gym at a certain age but Carlos needed more than a gym, he needed a dance studio. 

Carlos' journey to Barcelona eventually brought him to the practice of Aerial dancing. It gave him the freedom to feel expansive in every sense he had been looking for. 

During his school days, Carlos was a dedicated student, but the school environment and his peers were not supportive of Carlos and he experienced bullying until his final years of school. Now, being an Aerial dance teacher, he is in serendipity as he can express himself in ways that feel authentic to him. He went on to create a safe and open learning environment for his students. The kind of environment that he would have appreciated when he was younger he said to me. 

He wants individuals to feel comfortable being themselves as he believes it is important to enjoy the process of learning. He feels rewarded to be on the other side of the table, in a full circle moment as he refers to often, he is glad to create a positive environment for learning. This to me is compassion, to live and let live is what I hear through his words. He recognises diversity in learning and believes learning should be agile. He said his mother was also a teacher and he used to play ‘teacher’ and maybe that is where he first saw himself associating learning and teaching with himself. 

He believes he is now in a good era of his life as his road is open to career paths in the practice he is passionate about. He also has the space to choose between becoming a technical professional or being an artist, a dialog he has been having. And then he thinks about what is of value and what matters right now? All good things and thoughts of a healthy mind in a safe space don’t you think?

Carlos then reflected on the restriction he experienced over his expressions growing up.

“It is like if I become a man, then everything would be perfect. To say that, no one would suffer,  but I was the one suffering at the end of this chain. But yes, it feels like a crazy story and when you start to connect the dots and you understand, like the culture itself, it's there to oppress. And then it had my father, and my mother”

It is indeed a total chain reaction that Little Carlos broke free of. 

Image : Carlos Da silva, photographed by Antonella Fuentes

‘Machismo’ culture in Latin America is defined by the male being the provider, the head of the family and associated with patriarchy and sexism. Carlos describes society then was far more averse to flexibility in gender approach than it is now.

Going back in time, Carlos explains that before the arrival of European colonizers to Brazil, Indigenous people lived with considerable sexual and gender freedom. He states that practices such as homosexuality, polyamory (polygamy), and social roles connected to plural identities or transgender experiences were integrated into their communities, without the guilt or prejudice associated with Western norms. The imposition of rigid, binary standards came through colonial and religious violence.

  And I have too often noticed that there are many cultures that respected freedom between and around bodies, beyond the binary during precolonial times. Sri Lanka, where I am from, there is evidence that before the British ruling there was far more freedom in union between individuals. 

So what does life look like for Carlos now in a place where he can truly be himself? 

Carlos would still call up an old friend or a family member, especially his mother. He likes to cook comfort food that feels like a hug from the inside. He enjoys going to the beach and lying in the sun. 

As queer individuals, we gather for safe-housing and safe-locating, which in Barcelona now has designated public spaces for queer safety. And gathering together creates diversity, I still watch in awe all the queer bodies living in freedom to enjoy the same sun that is forbidden for some of us in some parts of our world. 

In Surubim where he was born, his family would always get together and these gatherings would happen surrounding meals. Having coffee together and enjoying idle chit chat was tradition. Sitting together for a meal with his loved ones is a sacred ritual for Carlos. This is where all the love came together. 

And after migration, he doesn’t get to enjoy theses traditions anymore as city life doesn’t reflect this culture, routines don’t always match. But then just the act of cooking for himself, something Brazilian, began to bring him happiness and a sense of home. So he extends this tradition to his friends and partner and it is a language of love for him and after four years he feels that he has his chosen family. 

Carlos was a dreamer, though was a little scared of leaving everything and everyone behind and I bet so do astronomers when they embark on a journey their ancestors didn’t teach them about. He said he was still very excited about what lies ahead of him. 

“I’ve always trusted that, no matter what, I would have myself and would continue to seek happiness. This helped me stay grounded and I think the thing I always tell myself is to keep my heart open, know who I am , and enjoy whatever life brings my way.” Said Carlos. 

And of course that is who we are after all. As queer individuals we learnt to enjoy what life brings us as nothing was ever promised to us. 

In 2018, Carlos was diagnosed with HIV and as most individuals do, he carried the agony in coming to acceptance with a reality that society was and still at times is unforgiving about, alone by himself. And not so surprisingly, as most of us would, when we suddenly find ourselves in depths we did not anticipate, Carlos decided to keep the journey ahead to himself away from his mothers knowledge. 

When you are faced with a life threatening biological reality, and society has deemed it a punishment for the sinners, you could imagine how helpless young Carlos felt. Surviving a health crisis should be dignified. But queer individuals need to carry the cross, which in this case is shame and fear built around you. And most often, sexual health, till today in most countries is treated as a taboo topic. Seeking advice, help and aid is put in a shameful corner.

As the migration to Barcelona approached, Carlos decided that maybe it was time for relief and to tell his mother, but he eventually wasn’t ready. He was again going in circles, but this time psychological and physiological. Carlos developed psoriasis, an inflammatory skin condition caused by autoimmune conditions and psychological stress triggers. It was a crisis he said, his entire body felt in crisis. 

The migration bureaucracy, displacement and your living body feeling like it is against you was too much on Carlos’ nervous system and it was on alert. With everything on code red, this was still the moment he wanted to open up to his mother finally. The migration was important, and life was about to change, and the journey was long, so Carlos decided to embark with authenticity as his armour.

  His mother accepted him, and what he thought would be a nerve wrecking moment took him by surprise when she took his worries away. 

And no credit for Kelly Klarkson here as Carlos himself realised that what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger.